Conflict within

I have been feeling conflict within myself lately. I think it has to do with the fact that I'll be sharing (preaching) on July 28th. I feel that it is ok for me to preach, that I have a message to share, that God can speak through me. And yet, I haven't shared with most people that I will be speaking. Bethany is the only one in my family who knows. Jordan supports me. My church supports me. But I'm scared to tell my parents. I've been scared to even put it on here because of others who might not agree with me. And yet, this is a step I'm called to take.

Maybe it's hard for me because I have a love/hate relationship with conflict. My stomach churns when I think of being confronted on something I have to say. My guts twist into knots when I sense people fighting, even if it's under the surface. And yet I am often in the middle of conflict. Since I was young, I've felt that I should be a peacemaker. "Blessed are the peacemakers," has always encouraged me. I am comforted that the peacemakers are not told that they will be seen in a good light. Their work is what speaks for them. I actually thrive and feel alive when I sense a good argument going on. I don't like raised voices, but I do like people being challenged in their thoughts, behaviours and beliefs. For in refining comes beauty. It's usually painful, passing through the fire of scrutiny, but it's so beautiful when you're out of it. I think maybe I am addicted to the good that I know is coming. It's like an exciting secret that people don't know about.

And yet there is always a line that I have to be careful not to cross. I do not want arguing for the sake of arguing. I don't like to raise issues that are not truly important to me. I'm learning the hard way to do this. Just recently, I was told yet again that someone feels that I am often at odds with them. It hurt to hear that. I don't want to be at odds with people. I try to gently point out things, and I've been careful to only do this if I feel told to do so. But I am forceful at times, passionate. My passion is misunderstood. I need to work on that. I need to work on being humble when arguing a point. Is this possible?