Departures

Renee and Julian leave tomorrow. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Nathan. Michelle went away a couple weeks ago. (I know she's coming back...but it might not be the same.) We'll be moving. I'm not sad at the thought of simple life changes. I'm depressed that marriages break up. I'm frustrated with my own inability to help. I'm uncertain of my own ability to understand God and His plan for my life. I don't want to say goodbye. I'm tired of people not communicating what's really on their hearts. I'm tired of not being able to communicate what's on my own heart. I can tell Jordan anything, but can I share with those around me. Hah! I clam up. I shut up. I stay put and hope it'll all work out around me. God! Give me a voice and teach me how to use it.

Ideas...

Some day I'd like to:

Have a bed where anyone, anytime can come sleep and feel welcome at my house.

Maybe give the entirety of tithe from the rental of our house to Today's Family Church.

Figure out what God wants for our lives in terms of wealth as blessing and wealth as something to give away.

Be content in following God as He leads and doing my best where He has me.

Know what God would have me do each day so that I'm not wasting any time, love, money, or self.

Zebediah is sleeping in his own bed!

The title says it all! This is the first child we've had sleeping on their own, in their own bed at only 2 months of age. Zebby's also the only child who's ever sucked his thumb, or waited 5-6 days between movements, or started babbling at 1 month old. What kind of child and adult will he be? His smile makes me wonder at the amazing things God does for us - like giving us children! Wow! And now, He's letting me get some sleep...in my own bed, with my husband at my side. Not three children fighting over pillows, my husband! I think I'll take Him up on the offer of rest. Thanks God!!!

headache

So I've got one of those massive headaches going on right now. I should know by now what the signs are. Maybe I do, and just ignore them. Either way, it's been three days now. It's getting worse. My ears feel like they're being beaten upon, my tongue feels swollen, my eyes feel every wave of light and I feel sick to my stomach. I could take some codeine but that just makes Zebediah sleepy and constipated. Not a good thing... So here we go. Gonna have a long week!

Jordan's taking Danya and Benjamin to the library to pick up a hold item and a video or two for the kids. They're bored out of their minds and I need something to keep me from yelling at them. They're so cute and wired and crazy...and I can't handle it right now. Any squeals make my ears feel like they're gonna pop. But they make me laugh anyway. :)

I've been making a weekly grocery list and meal schedule. Today just happens to be Jordan's day to do stirfry. Yay for not having to cook! I'm VERY relieved. I love to cook. Enjoy seeing people enjoying the food in front of them. But when my head hurts, and I have to look for dishes or dodge running children I get frustrated and the fun disappears.

Now it's quiet. They've just left and suddenly their noise is replaced by the noise of a furnace, the clicking of computer keys, my own eyes blinking. I think it's time for a rest. If only I thought resting would ease the pain. But it won't. I know it won't.

Cruise

I'll be going away on a cruise with Zebediah, my Mom and sister, Bethany, this summer. We're trying to get Katrina to go too, but things are complicated. This started out with me wanting to take only Bethany as a grad present to her. Now there are a few of us going and I don't quite know what to make of it all! I'm really excited to make this a girl thing, but I don't want anyone to feel left out. I also can't afford to help anyone else out. And even if I could, would it be taken as wanted? I don't know!

There's so much else going on in my life too. Jordan is applying for a job in Moncton. If he doesn't get that, we're thinking of going to Manitoba for school. That felt like a cool idea at one time, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm just excited about the prospects of moving to NB. It'd be nice to be around family...I think. Part of that idea twists my stomach with anxiety. It'd be good to move closer to home for so many reasons. But then, I'm still not sure what God wants. I feel so blind at times.