Accomplished...

It seems that a lot of life is measured by what a person has accomplished. Has a book been written? How many children are there? What kind of an income is brought home? Well, in my life it seems to be a little different. How many cupcakes did I make today that actually got icing on them? How many noses have been wiped or diapers changed? How long did it take to get Danya down for a nap? How long has Benjamin been sleeping? How many peas can I pick from between the cushions of the couch? How long do I have before I absolutely must mop the floors before company comes by? What's the number of bottles that have been washed? How many baskets of clothes have been put away this week? When was the last time I had a nice long bath? Scratch that...when was the last time I've been able to have a shower? If I can accomplish even some of these things in the run of a day, I feel accomplished. Wouldn't you?

But then, why do I need to feel that I've accomplished something anyway? Shouldn't I just be happy to be? Some theologians would say that we should just be happy to be in the Father's arms, to enjoy His presence. At times, I would give my right arm to experience that kind of existence. Other theologians would say that one must be sure to do many good works, so that their faith is not useless. Oh, that I could have the time to do something beyond keeping my kids and my husband well fed, warm and dry. (Notice I don't have clean mentioned there... That's something else entirely!) How is it that a woman of God with a family can stay in tune with God and have a heart with the world? There's just soooo much competing for the few minutes I have to myself each day. It does me very little to tell me to get up earlier so that I might spend some quiet time alone with God. I'm already getting so little sleep.

I don't say all this to complain. Just to get it out there. I really wish someone else had the time to write a book that covered these questions. Actually, I'd probably never get the time to read it, so it'd be nice if they could put it on CD for me...then I could listen to it while I do dishes or something. :) Ah well, that's the life I chose and I don't regret it. I actually really enjoy the feeling that I am good at looking after my family. Like when we were all sick and I could look around and know that my house was a mess but my kids were going to be ok. That's a good feeling. Makes the tiring days worthwhile.

Consumer Panels

I just got a survey in the mail today from the Consumer Panel of Canada. They would like me to keep a diary for them of my spending habits. I wonder if I'll be able to do that. I think it would really help in my budgeting. Perhaps I'll give it a try...'cause I've always been good at keeping diaries...Blah....

There's something about completing surveys. In a way I feel good for contributing but in another way it seems that I'm just adding to the plethora of useless information out there. Now, I know the info can be used to help in targeting sales and helping the country to fix problems, but how much good can a person's opinion really do? We always tell our children that if they can dream it, they can do it. Is this true? Do our good intentions really make a difference? I think it all depends on God. If He wants it to work, it will. If not, it won't.

Belize or Bust?

Jordan was contacted by the medical school in Belize a couple of days ago. It's really a weird state that I'm in right now. I don't feel scared. I don't feel like we shouldn't go. I just don't know what my steps should be right now. There's so much to consider and so many plans to decide upon. Do we go to Belize this fall? Should we go in May? Yikes! That just opens up so many more questions. I had always assumed that we would go together, but now that seems like something I'm holding on to but doesn't necessarily have to be. What if I stayed behind with the kids? But would I be doing that out of fear? Really. I don't trust my own decision making anymore. Does my insisting on going make things way more difficult and am I doing that out of fear? I wish we had time to really talk about this but we don't because of his course right now. Speaking of which...why the course when Belize doesn't need it? Heck, Belize doesn't seem to need much. Is that a bad sign? I have all these questions. I also have this weird peace. I know things will work out somehow. I honestly don't know how or even in what direction we should be turning right now. Should I be waiting for a more clear sign or am I blind to what is already there? Should we even go overseas? My mom is definitely wishing we didn't have to go so far away. I feel bad for her. She seems so overwhelmed right now. So tired. How do I help from far away? It'll be hard to even phone her. But that's the way of growing up too, right? You move away? Mom and Dad move on to better things? Ok, but no matter what, unless we get into Dalhousie University, we'll be moving so we need to get the hosue ready, and that's what has me writing this in the first place. I don't know where to begin with anything! It's a big circle.

Giggles to sobs and back again.

My son has always been a smiley baby. He grins at anyone and everything. Except when he's cross, of course. Which can happen at the drop of a...well, I don't know what it is that drops. All of a sudden, in the middle of a giggle, he can cry. And then on a day when you think he's going to be inconsolable, he can switch to a laugh and that's the end of it. Sometimes I wish I was just like him...able to turn around my emotions. Then I realize he has no apparent control of them.

But aren't we all a little fickle that way? I've heard it happen in politics. Candidates change their stance on a topic in a matter of days or countries alter their position on who they'll support during a war. I've noticed it in church too. We'll talk about honesty and then we'll gossip. We'll get all hot under the collar about adultry and fornication but then we'll allow ourselves to wear provacative clothing and claim it's the other person's fault for not keeping their mind on things above.

And I've noticed it in my own life. I desire to have a spotlessly clean house, yet would rather check my email than wash another dish or I will deliberately stop doing housework because I don't want to be defined by it. I want to get closer to God, but I won't take the time to read about Him or even talk to Him while I'm doing laundry. And I can change my mind in an instant about a position I want to hold in an argument with my husband. Sometimes I wonder what people must think of me. Am I fickle? Do I even make sense to the people I talk with and interact with every day - like my children? I think sometimes I am...and I don't really know how to change it. And yet, being fickle seems to imply some sort of whimsy in the decision making part of life. I am honestly a person who thinks too hard and too long about things. Can a thinker be fickle? I don't know.

This leads me to think I should talk to God about it some more. I know He can help me figure out my life. I also know that I don't need to understand all of it to know He's in charge. That's a hard balance for me enjoy. Relaxation in the middle of seeming chaos. Peace in the middle of change. Not knowing when all I really want to do is know how it'll all work out. It'd be easy to say "I'm glad God has it all figured out." I am glad. I just wish I knew some of what He's noticed.

Inspired by Coutry

Phil Vasser wrote a song called Just Another Day in Paradise. It's about life as a parent and as a spouse. My life is full of ups and downs, spills and frills. It's a life of sleepless nights and days with the kids running around coloring the windows and eating the crayons or playing the piano with chocolate pudding fingers. It's a life of moments that you want to remember forever but you worry you won't because you recently forgot to eat or go to the bathroom. It's a life of stolen kisses from your hubby as you lay in bed trying to keep the kids asleep as he gets up for work at 5:30. It's a life of sticky hands reaching for you for one more hug before naptime and pearly whites grinning back at you as you say "No" one more time to the baby eating cat food. It's a life that I don't ever want to trade in for anything, not even more sleep. It truly is a dream come true. Now, if I could only dream a little more.....