It's been a long time since I've written on here, so I thought I should update with our most exciting news. Jordan and I are expecting our third child. Little Baby is due to arrive sometime in early to mid March, thought with our history we're really kind of expecting February to hold some blessings.
This pregnancy has been very tiring. I feel older this time around. I'm still very excited though. We're trying to pick out names and the kids are accepting and curious of the idea of a new baby in mommy's tummy. They come up and kiss my belly sometimes...big slobbery open mouthed kisses. It always makes me laugh. Little Baby loves music and seemed to dance along when we went to Club Caliente with some friends from church a few weeks ago.
Quite a few people I know are also expecting around the same time as us. My next door neighbour is having a girl. A friend who used to sell Avon is expecting a couple of months after us. A mom from the parent and tot group is expecting as is Sarah, who we knew from C&C. There's either something in the water or it was a good summer! :) At least two of these moms have had repeated miscarriages, so this is exciting and scary to them. I hope I can be an encouragement to them all.
There's a feeling that comes with expecting again that I never quite pictured myself having. I'm actually nervous of going full-term. As much as I know the complications of early labour and premies, I'm scared of a c-section. I'm scared of a big baby. I think I'm just very aware that I'm overtired now, that my kids are active and rough and that I have few family resources at this time. But God always provides. He's never truly let me down and I will trust Him.
Speaking of being let down. How does one encourage, witness to the person who has put God to the test and not been responded to in the way that they asked? They're really, truly searching. Lord, please keep them safe and close to You until they find You...or perhaps until You find them.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Sunny day...
Today is sunny. Very nice. Beautiful blue skies with tufts of clouds. A gentle breeze keeping the heat at bay to some extent. To some extent... The last few days have been incredibly hot for Halifax weather. Upwards of 32c. People here aren't used to it. I'm not sure they ever would be. Especially after a summer of rain. Personally, I think it's funny. Sure, it makes me tired and hot and sometimes cranky but really, now, we've been complaining on a whole that it's been too wet! Well, God's got a sense of humour. That's all there is to it. We just like to complain. When really, all we need to do is sit back, enjoy the sun and stop worrying about the condition of life. God's got it in His hand. Why do we always worry? Why do we always complain? I don't know. What I do know is that I do it way too much.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Conflict within
I have been feeling conflict within myself lately. I think it has to do with the fact that I'll be sharing (preaching) on July 28th. I feel that it is ok for me to preach, that I have a message to share, that God can speak through me. And yet, I haven't shared with most people that I will be speaking. Bethany is the only one in my family who knows. Jordan supports me. My church supports me. But I'm scared to tell my parents. I've been scared to even put it on here because of others who might not agree with me. And yet, this is a step I'm called to take.
Maybe it's hard for me because I have a love/hate relationship with conflict. My stomach churns when I think of being confronted on something I have to say. My guts twist into knots when I sense people fighting, even if it's under the surface. And yet I am often in the middle of conflict. Since I was young, I've felt that I should be a peacemaker. "Blessed are the peacemakers," has always encouraged me. I am comforted that the peacemakers are not told that they will be seen in a good light. Their work is what speaks for them. I actually thrive and feel alive when I sense a good argument going on. I don't like raised voices, but I do like people being challenged in their thoughts, behaviours and beliefs. For in refining comes beauty. It's usually painful, passing through the fire of scrutiny, but it's so beautiful when you're out of it. I think maybe I am addicted to the good that I know is coming. It's like an exciting secret that people don't know about.
And yet there is always a line that I have to be careful not to cross. I do not want arguing for the sake of arguing. I don't like to raise issues that are not truly important to me. I'm learning the hard way to do this. Just recently, I was told yet again that someone feels that I am often at odds with them. It hurt to hear that. I don't want to be at odds with people. I try to gently point out things, and I've been careful to only do this if I feel told to do so. But I am forceful at times, passionate. My passion is misunderstood. I need to work on that. I need to work on being humble when arguing a point. Is this possible?
Maybe it's hard for me because I have a love/hate relationship with conflict. My stomach churns when I think of being confronted on something I have to say. My guts twist into knots when I sense people fighting, even if it's under the surface. And yet I am often in the middle of conflict. Since I was young, I've felt that I should be a peacemaker. "Blessed are the peacemakers," has always encouraged me. I am comforted that the peacemakers are not told that they will be seen in a good light. Their work is what speaks for them. I actually thrive and feel alive when I sense a good argument going on. I don't like raised voices, but I do like people being challenged in their thoughts, behaviours and beliefs. For in refining comes beauty. It's usually painful, passing through the fire of scrutiny, but it's so beautiful when you're out of it. I think maybe I am addicted to the good that I know is coming. It's like an exciting secret that people don't know about.
And yet there is always a line that I have to be careful not to cross. I do not want arguing for the sake of arguing. I don't like to raise issues that are not truly important to me. I'm learning the hard way to do this. Just recently, I was told yet again that someone feels that I am often at odds with them. It hurt to hear that. I don't want to be at odds with people. I try to gently point out things, and I've been careful to only do this if I feel told to do so. But I am forceful at times, passionate. My passion is misunderstood. I need to work on that. I need to work on being humble when arguing a point. Is this possible?
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Humilty IS taking responsibility for your own mistakes.
While I don't need to take on undue guilt, true remorse is required of me if I'm to be a humble person.
Humility is not blaming yourself when things go wrong.
To be wise, one must have responsibility. One must be accountable and take pride in what one does. One must always realize that what they are doing is for the Lord...being a humble servant. However, one does not need to blame self when things go wrong. Being humble is not the same as taking the fall for every person who does something wrong or for every thing circumstance that goes wrong. Actually, this is prideful. It is taking responsibility for things that one does not have a right to. Only God can stop, cause, etc. every circumstance.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Looking forward to the weekend...
It seems that I cannot keep myself from planning lots of stuff to do on my weekends. A couple of days ago, I was completely free. Now I have every day booked! Kind of fun! I need to keep an eye on this tendency though as I might get tired or perhaps I'll do it for the wrong reasons. Hmmmm... Oh well, this weekend looks fun!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
So what does humilty look like then?
What I was taught growing up was not wrong. It was the conclusions I came to.
Humility is loving others so much that you will do whatever God asks you to do for them. Humility is sharing encouragement, comfort, fellowship, tenderness and compassion. Humility is being like- minded, sharing the same love, being one in spirit and purpose with the Body. Humility is looking to our own interests but never forgetting the interests of others. It is putting their interests first when necessary and required by God. (Which is just about all the time!) Humility is doing everything to bring glory to God the Father.
Philippians 2:1-11 says it best.
"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy coplete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
So what does this look like in real life? What practical things can be done, believed to show our humility and give glory to God the Father?
Humility is loving others so much that you will do whatever God asks you to do for them. Humility is sharing encouragement, comfort, fellowship, tenderness and compassion. Humility is being like- minded, sharing the same love, being one in spirit and purpose with the Body. Humility is looking to our own interests but never forgetting the interests of others. It is putting their interests first when necessary and required by God. (Which is just about all the time!) Humility is doing everything to bring glory to God the Father.
Philippians 2:1-11 says it best.
"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy coplete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
So what does this look like in real life? What practical things can be done, believed to show our humility and give glory to God the Father?
Monday, June 18, 2007
Not an excuse
Humility is not an excuse to use to get out of things.
During my college years, I believed in some standards for a woman of God that I now understand to have been lacking. Let me explain. Something that I thought I observed while growing up was that humility meant letting go of self completely so as to better others and serve God. In my mind, that meant ignoring my own feelings, distrusting my decisions, and willing myself to do what someone else dictated even if I felt that it might be better another way. I believed that this is what humilty looks like. I believed that if you truly want to follow Scripture, if you truly want to love without selfishness and be completely humble, you must let others have it their way. I learned to put on a very interesting mask. I don't know if you can imagine the trouble this put me into!
When you believe to the extreme that those in authority over you must be right, you stop questioning discrepencies. When you twist unselfish love too far, you will allow yourself to do things in relationships that were originally against your beliefs. When you truly believe that your voice should be silent in deference to others, you hold back from service in the church. For me, this has been seen in avoiding teaching and speaking opportunities, not giving my all when singing and worshipping God, and even avoiding correcting people when I observe obvious sin because I think I am younger, female, or not as experienced in the world or with God.
This is not humility. This is a lie. I am learning, through God's grace what humility does look like so I can change my responses in life to be those that truly please Him and loves others well.
During my college years, I believed in some standards for a woman of God that I now understand to have been lacking. Let me explain. Something that I thought I observed while growing up was that humility meant letting go of self completely so as to better others and serve God. In my mind, that meant ignoring my own feelings, distrusting my decisions, and willing myself to do what someone else dictated even if I felt that it might be better another way. I believed that this is what humilty looks like. I believed that if you truly want to follow Scripture, if you truly want to love without selfishness and be completely humble, you must let others have it their way. I learned to put on a very interesting mask. I don't know if you can imagine the trouble this put me into!
When you believe to the extreme that those in authority over you must be right, you stop questioning discrepencies. When you twist unselfish love too far, you will allow yourself to do things in relationships that were originally against your beliefs. When you truly believe that your voice should be silent in deference to others, you hold back from service in the church. For me, this has been seen in avoiding teaching and speaking opportunities, not giving my all when singing and worshipping God, and even avoiding correcting people when I observe obvious sin because I think I am younger, female, or not as experienced in the world or with God.
This is not humility. This is a lie. I am learning, through God's grace what humility does look like so I can change my responses in life to be those that truly please Him and loves others well.
What is humility?
What is humility? Really, what does it look like. We're told that humility is something we should attain, that being humble is to be like Christ. But what is humility? Can a person attain it? Or is it given as one becomes closer to God? Or is it a mindset? Maybe it's a combination of all of these things.
I do feel that humility is something that can be learned. (King Nebuchadnezzar) I also know there are people who seem to be humble by nature. (Moses) Then there are people who do humble things. (King David, Lydia) And then there's Christ, who epitomizes humilty.
I also know a few things that humility is not. It is not false. A person with humilty does not act shy when given praise only to be the same person to seek out this praise. It is not masochistic. A humble person does not beat up themselves. Self-abasement is not always humility, it can essentially telling lies about yourself to yourself and to others so that in a strange way that person can feel better about you. Humility is also not an excuse to keep you in sin. (If I just stop putting myself first, I can love this person enough and therefore stay in this relationship that I know I should not be a part of. I can love them to God by laying my life down for them.) This can be of God, but must be carefully investigated and worked out. Humility is not blind devotion, but devoted servanthood with Christ as the guide.
I also realize that humilty should not be used an excuse to avoid doing the things God wants you to do. Our minds can be filled with all sorts of lies when we misunderstand what humility is. I will use my life as an example in my next post.
I do feel that humility is something that can be learned. (King Nebuchadnezzar) I also know there are people who seem to be humble by nature. (Moses) Then there are people who do humble things. (King David, Lydia) And then there's Christ, who epitomizes humilty.
I also know a few things that humility is not. It is not false. A person with humilty does not act shy when given praise only to be the same person to seek out this praise. It is not masochistic. A humble person does not beat up themselves. Self-abasement is not always humility, it can essentially telling lies about yourself to yourself and to others so that in a strange way that person can feel better about you. Humility is also not an excuse to keep you in sin. (If I just stop putting myself first, I can love this person enough and therefore stay in this relationship that I know I should not be a part of. I can love them to God by laying my life down for them.) This can be of God, but must be carefully investigated and worked out. Humility is not blind devotion, but devoted servanthood with Christ as the guide.
I also realize that humilty should not be used an excuse to avoid doing the things God wants you to do. Our minds can be filled with all sorts of lies when we misunderstand what humility is. I will use my life as an example in my next post.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
putting it all back together...
So...as soon as I closed the computer after writing my last entry, I had a phone call from Jordan. He was very happy about his MCAT mark! 29Q, I guess, is a drastic increase in score from 25N. The letters indicate his writing skills, with the further down the alpahbet being better. And his verbal reasoning scores were way up. He's actually excited! That makes me feel so much better. And when he got home we talked about his second job and he's pretty sure it's their problem and while it concerns him, he's not to blame. He feels things will work out and all will be well. And to top it all off, we have decided to stay in the Maritimes for the next year at least. Jordan has told one boss that he'll be here until next September. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean we won't move to NB and have him travel back and forth for jobs, but we'll take that as it comes. :) So far, I'm happy. (Amazing how my moods change, eh?) I'm glad I didn't let my depression hold me back from doing my Avon business today too. I've had three calls already from that job in one evening. It seems like an encouraging indicator. Also, with staying here, I feel that I can commit to doing more ministry in my church. I like the idea of that. I've been kind of disconnected because of kids, uncertainty, etc. It'd be good to be involved. Anyway, life is still uncertain but it's looking up. Pieces are coming together a little bit. Maybe some day I'll see the puzzle. Maybe I won't but I will be content in the Lord's masterpiece.
When it all feels like it's falling apart...
Today things feel like they are falling apart. It all started when Jordan got news regarding his application to Dal. He was told of a mess up on their part which they apologized for, but really can't help with. (I still think there's something screwy with that.) Then he finally found out why they didn't accept him. His GPA "didin't meet the cutoff" requirements. And later last evening I looked down at my wedding ring only to discover that one of the diamonds is missing. Then today I got a call from one of Jordan's jobs. They told me that his payslips had been inproperly turned in for the past while and so they were not going to pay him for the next while until they get things figured out. Apparently they have been overpaying him. All I keep thinking to myself is that they can't penalize him for something they did wrong. (They were assuming he was working a certain amount each week.) But it seems like they are blaming it on him and leaving us in the lurch. And of course, I took the brunt of it because Jordan wasn't home and his boss was so upset and didn't keep with employee privacy and told me everything. So Jordan doesn't even know yet. Speaking of things that he doesn't know...I just checked his AAMC results (MCAT). I know his scores and I don't think that he does. And if he does, I'm guessing he's doing an awful lot of thinking today. 29. A good score. But I don't think it'll make him happy. He was hoping to break 30. And we'd said that we would be going south if he made less than that. And here we were just two days ago talking to each other and saying that we were pretty sure we'd be staying in Halifax for the next year at least. Now it looks like we'll be moving for sure. If it's not to Belize then probably New Brunswick so that he has a better chance of getting into MUN. But I just found this out. I don't even know what Jordan's gonna say. He was so sad last night about his GPA. Now what? That's the biggest question either of us has. Now what do we do? How do we respond to this? What's our next step? Do we take any steps? I think life here in Hali is pretty good and that we could make a go of it in our present state. But is that enough? WE always had bigger dreams. I was so sure Jordan was going to be a doctor. Did I misunderstand God? We don't have people to really hash this all out in person with either. What we need is some good honest advice and truth without holding back. God, I want to listen to You. I'm just having such a hard time doing that right now. I know my problems are petty but to me they're really important. I thought I had a clear picture. Please forgive me of my unbelief. I just don't know what my next step should be. How do I support my husband and love him in the way that he needs to be loved? How do we become the people You want us to be? How should we follow our calling? Heck, what's our calling? Jordan listens to me a lot. Help me to say and do the right things. I don't want to be a hinderance. I want to do Your will. Help us Lord! Please take away this ache in my heart and this tension in my insides. I know it's because I'm not trusting You enough. I just know know what trusting looks like at the moment.
Monday, June 4, 2007
AVON ONLINE!!!
Discovered something recently at a big Avon Leadership Seminar...
All of my friends can order Avon online by simply going to Avon.ca and following the links. When prompted all that's needed is my phone number and my customers will recieve an order which will be shipped directly to their door. Very cool stuff! I will be able to help them if they have concerns and they will be able to get quick service. I like this idea. So if you're reading this.... go to AVON.CA and order now!!!
All of my friends can order Avon online by simply going to Avon.ca and following the links. When prompted all that's needed is my phone number and my customers will recieve an order which will be shipped directly to their door. Very cool stuff! I will be able to help them if they have concerns and they will be able to get quick service. I like this idea. So if you're reading this.... go to AVON.CA and order now!!!
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
"And those who walk in pride he is able to humble." Dan. 4:37b
The life of Nebuchadnezzar has intrigued me of late. His was the lot of being the king to destory Jerusalem. He lived during the time of Jeremiah and Daniel. He was the one who built the huge statue that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago would not bow down to. He was the one who was brought low enough to be eating grass like a cow and being kicked out of his position for insanity. And yet, with all of these accomplishments and with all of his fame, he was brought to a position of humility. His is a story of a non-Hebrew who worshipped the Lord God. He is a man who was brought into a position of bringing justice to nations like Israel and Egypt. What power! What great humility to choose to tell the world about his fall from sanity! What a humble spirit and worshipful attitude to give God the glory for all of his accomplishments! Ah, but the questions his story raises too. If an outsider was giving the Lord glory, then he was saying that all of the horrible things he did as conquering power must have been ordained by God. While I don't have all the answers for a question like that, I must admit the whole situation intrigues me. Nebuchadnezzar was right when he said, "All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: "What have you done?" (Dan. 4:36) We think we're so great, but God is the one in control. This should bring complete humility, gratitude, and worship.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Getting started...
There are some things in life that always feel like they are in the "getting started" phase. Like laundry...I'm just starting to get caught up on it - again. Then there's parenting. I feel like I'm just getting started in this world of babies and toddlers even though I know that it'll soon be at an end and I'll be gettting started on parenting school-aged kids. The area that I'm most concerned about in this discussion, however, is more business related.
I have been selling Avon on and off for about four years. When the kids were born, I took a break or two as needed so that I didn't go crazy. Taking the breaks I did made me constantly feel like I was just beginning on this journey of owning a business. And I still feel like I'm there. I have so much yet to learn and so little that I feel completely confident about when it comes to running a home-based business. It doesn't help that I was just beginning to feel my feet under me, really pumped about upcoming opportunities only to find out that one of my support lines, our district manager, has been fired.
All that being said, I really feel confident that I am learning good things by running my own enterprise. I'm slowly learning that talking to people doesn' t have to be scary. I'm coming to the realization that being rejected in a prospecting opportunity doesn't mean I'm rejected as a person. I'm also learning to depend on the right kinds of resources and not only on myself or one or two individuals. If this is going to work, I need to be independent and smart in my independence. That means choosing my important goals carefully and sticking to them, knowing that some will fall away as becoming unimportant at times. I know that I don't need to be discouraged if I am doing my best. All God asks is that I serve Him and do my best in the place He has put me in. Right now, I'm here and I choose to do my best at being an Avon representative.
Now, all I need to do is figure out what being the best looks like for me.... :) Another thing to do to get me started!
I have been selling Avon on and off for about four years. When the kids were born, I took a break or two as needed so that I didn't go crazy. Taking the breaks I did made me constantly feel like I was just beginning on this journey of owning a business. And I still feel like I'm there. I have so much yet to learn and so little that I feel completely confident about when it comes to running a home-based business. It doesn't help that I was just beginning to feel my feet under me, really pumped about upcoming opportunities only to find out that one of my support lines, our district manager, has been fired.
All that being said, I really feel confident that I am learning good things by running my own enterprise. I'm slowly learning that talking to people doesn' t have to be scary. I'm coming to the realization that being rejected in a prospecting opportunity doesn't mean I'm rejected as a person. I'm also learning to depend on the right kinds of resources and not only on myself or one or two individuals. If this is going to work, I need to be independent and smart in my independence. That means choosing my important goals carefully and sticking to them, knowing that some will fall away as becoming unimportant at times. I know that I don't need to be discouraged if I am doing my best. All God asks is that I serve Him and do my best in the place He has put me in. Right now, I'm here and I choose to do my best at being an Avon representative.
Now, all I need to do is figure out what being the best looks like for me.... :) Another thing to do to get me started!
Monday, April 30, 2007
A day for a date...
On Saturday, Jordan's parents took Danya and Benjamin for the day. It was really nice. All we had to do was drop them off at the Prince George in the morning and then pick them up again in the evening. So what does a couple with a few hours do when there are suddenly no kids around them? Hmmm...
We decided to stay away from the house. We both knew that if we stuck around the homefront we'd end up doing menial tasks that will always need doing instead of making the most of our time together as husband and wife. First, we stopped in and grabbed a coffee and hot chocolate from Just Us! on Barrington and then took a walk to the Farmer's Market down on Water Street. We enjoyed walking hand in hand and smiling when we saw kids go by. We knew we didn't have to worry about chasing them around the stalls. We were able to sit and enjoy an Indian lunch and watch the crowds pass by. I was also touched by the friendliness of the people we sat near. At least two offered us their places on the bench. I often miss seeing the kindness of others because I'm so wrapped up in what my kids are doing. We had fun wandering around aimlessly and being a part of the milling humanity.
Walking back to the car, we decided to go to the Spring Garden Library to see if they had a copy of the paper which had a picture of Jordan. We couldn't find it there. I'm glad that his two workplaces thought to give him copies. Now we can photocopy them and put them in a scrapbook. (That kind of thing is important to me even if I don't do it well.) We also got out a bunch of books about home repairs, bike maintenance, and anything else that caught our attention. We've always liked going to the library together. We find out more about each other by what we choose to watch/read and it encourages us to always be bettering ourselves.
After that, we headed out to Bayer's Lake where we went to the pet store for degu food. Boy the puppies were cute. I especially liked the retrievers. We found a nice cage that the degus would like but were unable to find a price for it. We'll have to call them when we figure out whether we're staying here in Halifax of not. If the cost is low, it'd be a good idea to buy them one. They need room to run and hide their food. It turned out that the pet store was charging too much for the degu food, so we went to Bulk Barn to check out their prices and found it for about 2/3 the price. With the money we saved we were able to get them a treat.
We then made our way over to Exhibition Park for the Saltscapes Home Show. Wow! It was packed in there! And we had a good time. We were able to enjoy sampling many snacks and to chat with many people. There were draws all over the building and we made sure to fill out a ballot for each of them. Two caught our attention. One was offering services about yard care. They'd come and help you decide how to look after your yard and what to plant for the best look of your landscape. The other had a canoe or kayak in their draw. Now wouldn't that be nice! They were beautiful crafts, very light and large enough to carry the whole family. Jordan was especially drawn to this display and had a long chat with the staff. I think it got us both thinking about spending more time out in nature this summer. After May 16th we're going to have a lot more time on our hands...so maybe we'll get a chance to go have some fun!
By the time we were done at the show we were getting hungry. So...instead of going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, we went to Superstore, bought some yummy cheese, some fancy rolls and bread, and a couple of glass bottles of pop - Jordan got grapefruit and I cream soda flavours. We headed back out to our vehicle jumped in the backseat where we could snuggle and had a European-esq meal. We really enjoyed it. There's something about living simply that we both adore and it's nice to get back to that once in a while. There was no one to impress except each other and we loved it.
Just across the street from the Superstore was a Salon/Spa offering massages. As my shoulder had been bothering me enough that I couldn't drive without pain, Jordan insisted that we go in and I have a therapeutic massage. Ahhh! It was so painful. And so needed. I was told that I probably have tendonitis of the bicep muscle. (Probably from breastfeeding for so long and then carrying the kids improperly. I'm not entirely sure what the best way to carry a child should be, but I guess I've got it wrong.) Anyway, I felt really great afterwards and Jordan's now telling me every day to go book another massage so that we can help take away the pain. He cares about me so much. It's a good feeling to know that he cares the way he does.
Our last event of the day before going to pick up the kids was a coffee and hot chocolate at Timothy's on Spring Garden. (Diomio's and Just Us! were closed.) Sitting in the back corner of the coffee shop with Jordan was probably the best part of the day. We had some frank discussion and began working our our own set of Family Values. Jordan grew up with five family values which they all worked to keep as part of their lives. As a couple, we worked with the five values of his family and reworked them to become our own. It was interesting to see how a couple of words could be interpreted and how we sometimes had vastly different opinions on them. In the end, we came up with our own rough draft of beliefs and values. We stuck with five so that it makes it easier to teach them to the kids. In my next blog, I'll write them out and give some explanations for each one.
Finally, we went back to get the kids. They were exhausted and ready to go. Grammy and Grampy were pretty tired too! Benjamin was so happy that when I put him in the carseat I had him laughing really hard. Turns out it was too hard. He gagged and threw up. Oh well, the rest of the day was exceptionally good! Can't complain about getting back to real life. :)
We decided to stay away from the house. We both knew that if we stuck around the homefront we'd end up doing menial tasks that will always need doing instead of making the most of our time together as husband and wife. First, we stopped in and grabbed a coffee and hot chocolate from Just Us! on Barrington and then took a walk to the Farmer's Market down on Water Street. We enjoyed walking hand in hand and smiling when we saw kids go by. We knew we didn't have to worry about chasing them around the stalls. We were able to sit and enjoy an Indian lunch and watch the crowds pass by. I was also touched by the friendliness of the people we sat near. At least two offered us their places on the bench. I often miss seeing the kindness of others because I'm so wrapped up in what my kids are doing. We had fun wandering around aimlessly and being a part of the milling humanity.
Walking back to the car, we decided to go to the Spring Garden Library to see if they had a copy of the paper which had a picture of Jordan. We couldn't find it there. I'm glad that his two workplaces thought to give him copies. Now we can photocopy them and put them in a scrapbook. (That kind of thing is important to me even if I don't do it well.) We also got out a bunch of books about home repairs, bike maintenance, and anything else that caught our attention. We've always liked going to the library together. We find out more about each other by what we choose to watch/read and it encourages us to always be bettering ourselves.
After that, we headed out to Bayer's Lake where we went to the pet store for degu food. Boy the puppies were cute. I especially liked the retrievers. We found a nice cage that the degus would like but were unable to find a price for it. We'll have to call them when we figure out whether we're staying here in Halifax of not. If the cost is low, it'd be a good idea to buy them one. They need room to run and hide their food. It turned out that the pet store was charging too much for the degu food, so we went to Bulk Barn to check out their prices and found it for about 2/3 the price. With the money we saved we were able to get them a treat.
We then made our way over to Exhibition Park for the Saltscapes Home Show. Wow! It was packed in there! And we had a good time. We were able to enjoy sampling many snacks and to chat with many people. There were draws all over the building and we made sure to fill out a ballot for each of them. Two caught our attention. One was offering services about yard care. They'd come and help you decide how to look after your yard and what to plant for the best look of your landscape. The other had a canoe or kayak in their draw. Now wouldn't that be nice! They were beautiful crafts, very light and large enough to carry the whole family. Jordan was especially drawn to this display and had a long chat with the staff. I think it got us both thinking about spending more time out in nature this summer. After May 16th we're going to have a lot more time on our hands...so maybe we'll get a chance to go have some fun!
By the time we were done at the show we were getting hungry. So...instead of going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, we went to Superstore, bought some yummy cheese, some fancy rolls and bread, and a couple of glass bottles of pop - Jordan got grapefruit and I cream soda flavours. We headed back out to our vehicle jumped in the backseat where we could snuggle and had a European-esq meal. We really enjoyed it. There's something about living simply that we both adore and it's nice to get back to that once in a while. There was no one to impress except each other and we loved it.
Just across the street from the Superstore was a Salon/Spa offering massages. As my shoulder had been bothering me enough that I couldn't drive without pain, Jordan insisted that we go in and I have a therapeutic massage. Ahhh! It was so painful. And so needed. I was told that I probably have tendonitis of the bicep muscle. (Probably from breastfeeding for so long and then carrying the kids improperly. I'm not entirely sure what the best way to carry a child should be, but I guess I've got it wrong.) Anyway, I felt really great afterwards and Jordan's now telling me every day to go book another massage so that we can help take away the pain. He cares about me so much. It's a good feeling to know that he cares the way he does.
Our last event of the day before going to pick up the kids was a coffee and hot chocolate at Timothy's on Spring Garden. (Diomio's and Just Us! were closed.) Sitting in the back corner of the coffee shop with Jordan was probably the best part of the day. We had some frank discussion and began working our our own set of Family Values. Jordan grew up with five family values which they all worked to keep as part of their lives. As a couple, we worked with the five values of his family and reworked them to become our own. It was interesting to see how a couple of words could be interpreted and how we sometimes had vastly different opinions on them. In the end, we came up with our own rough draft of beliefs and values. We stuck with five so that it makes it easier to teach them to the kids. In my next blog, I'll write them out and give some explanations for each one.
Finally, we went back to get the kids. They were exhausted and ready to go. Grammy and Grampy were pretty tired too! Benjamin was so happy that when I put him in the carseat I had him laughing really hard. Turns out it was too hard. He gagged and threw up. Oh well, the rest of the day was exceptionally good! Can't complain about getting back to real life. :)
Friday, April 27, 2007
Calmer now...and proud of my hubby!
Well, you got to see a different side to me... :) Now that I'm calmer I'd like to share some of the more fun things about yesterday.
Jordan was in the paper! We attended a clean up of the local area on Earth Day (last Sunday afternoon). "I (reporter) work my way around the parking lot until I reach the bridge across the water. Coming along the bank towards me is volunteer Jordan Braun. He points to something in the water: it's a child's bicycle with white tires. Without futher ado, he whips off his shoes and socks and wades to the rescue, splashing back to shore moments later with the bike. It's festooned with slimy vegetation but seems to be quite new. Jordan heaves it ashore, then wades under the bride to do battle with the tangle of marooned shopping carts. It takes 10 minutes and the help of another volunteer, Ian Reid, but he finally manages to land all three carts." There's a picture of Jordan wading in the river with his pants soaked. (He took off his shoes and socks and didn't roll up his pants enough.) It makes me feel really good, proud, to see him there. He was doing what we should all be doing...looking after what God's given us. He didn't ask for glory and it's something he's done in the past without fanfare, but I am glad someone noticed this time.
Something else that happened last night occurred just before I got home. Maybe that's why I was so frustrated too...something discouraging on the heels of something really cool. Hmmm... Anyway, I was taking the bus home after a meeting last evening and at the station a Muslim woman sat down next to me. I don't know how to describe what goes through my head. I am not afraid of her. I desperately want to talk to her, just as a person. But I'm always chicken. I couldn't even talk the people on the way to my meeting who seemed outgoing and talkative. It's something I've been dealing with for a while and I prayed about it again last evening as I sat next to her and suddenly I had the impulse to just do it. God said to stop asking for courage and to just go ahead and be courageous. So I did. It's so good that she had a little boy with her because I was able to ask her the age of her son, and lo and behold, she opened up like a can of pop shaken too hard. By the end of the conversation, 5-10 minutes at most, she had given me her phone number and asked me to come with my kids for a visit. Sounds like a divine appointment to me! :) She's very worried about her son having friends to play with and seemed very excited to have us over. She even offered to try to find people to buy my Avon. Now I know she really wanted me to visit! :) All I ask now is that people pray that I follow the Spirit's leading in a friendship with Nada and her son. I don't want to offend unnecessarily and I want to be able to be a good neighbour as God would have me to be.
Well, I need to stop procrastinating and go clean my room! :)
Jordan was in the paper! We attended a clean up of the local area on Earth Day (last Sunday afternoon). "I (reporter) work my way around the parking lot until I reach the bridge across the water. Coming along the bank towards me is volunteer Jordan Braun. He points to something in the water: it's a child's bicycle with white tires. Without futher ado, he whips off his shoes and socks and wades to the rescue, splashing back to shore moments later with the bike. It's festooned with slimy vegetation but seems to be quite new. Jordan heaves it ashore, then wades under the bride to do battle with the tangle of marooned shopping carts. It takes 10 minutes and the help of another volunteer, Ian Reid, but he finally manages to land all three carts." There's a picture of Jordan wading in the river with his pants soaked. (He took off his shoes and socks and didn't roll up his pants enough.) It makes me feel really good, proud, to see him there. He was doing what we should all be doing...looking after what God's given us. He didn't ask for glory and it's something he's done in the past without fanfare, but I am glad someone noticed this time.
Something else that happened last night occurred just before I got home. Maybe that's why I was so frustrated too...something discouraging on the heels of something really cool. Hmmm... Anyway, I was taking the bus home after a meeting last evening and at the station a Muslim woman sat down next to me. I don't know how to describe what goes through my head. I am not afraid of her. I desperately want to talk to her, just as a person. But I'm always chicken. I couldn't even talk the people on the way to my meeting who seemed outgoing and talkative. It's something I've been dealing with for a while and I prayed about it again last evening as I sat next to her and suddenly I had the impulse to just do it. God said to stop asking for courage and to just go ahead and be courageous. So I did. It's so good that she had a little boy with her because I was able to ask her the age of her son, and lo and behold, she opened up like a can of pop shaken too hard. By the end of the conversation, 5-10 minutes at most, she had given me her phone number and asked me to come with my kids for a visit. Sounds like a divine appointment to me! :) She's very worried about her son having friends to play with and seemed very excited to have us over. She even offered to try to find people to buy my Avon. Now I know she really wanted me to visit! :) All I ask now is that people pray that I follow the Spirit's leading in a friendship with Nada and her son. I don't want to offend unnecessarily and I want to be able to be a good neighbour as God would have me to be.
Well, I need to stop procrastinating and go clean my room! :)
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Writing mad...
I'm full of irrational anger right now. After all I wrote earlier today about housework, etc. I had the experience of arriving home from a meeting to realize that my father and mother in law had been by. I was originally expecting them today, but yesterday was told that they were coming tomorrow. The house was a MESS! Like completely messy. I'm not mad at them for coming. Just mortified that my home was not in a state to welcome anyone. There was (is) food on the floor, laundry covering one couch, coats covering the other. There are boxes in the middle of the living room and supper, etc. all over the counters in the kitchen. I had gone out to a meeting thinking I could tidy it all up when I got home and in the morning before we'd see anyone. Ahhhhhh! I don't know what irritates me more. Feeling embarrassed and insecure, having been given the wrong information, knowing there things that could have been done to at least make them comfortable while they were here but seeing no sign that they were able to even really sit down, or having to put out the garbage and recycling as well as tidy up when I got home. Like I said, irrational! There's no one to be mad at, but I am. There's nothing I can do, but I want to. I feel sick to my stomach. This is ridiculous. So much for seeing the good in a situation. Hehe...at least they knew to leave so that we didn't hate each other! :) Ray and Lori and Amanda...I really do love you!
Plans for a day...
It's interesting how a day's plans can go so differently from how you expect them to. A person can wake up with a list of to do's and end up doing many other things which are also important but none of which are on that list. And then it starts again the next day and the next. Sometimes I get stressed because my life just doesn't seem to be in my hands. I'm learning, though, that God often has other ideas about how things should go, the people you should bump into, the amount of time really need to spend doing laundry or washing dishes. I'm learning, SLOWLY, that my house is not the complete defining picture of who I am. I'm learning that people are more important. I've always known that. (My roomies in college would know that I'm bad at keeping tidy.) I've always known that being untidy or even dirty doesn't necessarily mean you're on the wrong track. I want my treasures to be in heaven, not in a memory of a house well-maintained. However, I get stuck. I feel the pressures (maybe some are good) to run a good household. The Prov. 31 woman stands out. I struggle to know my place, my calling. And that affects how my days turn out. Some days, I will begin planning on working on my business and then the demands and joys of family life intervene. Other days, I hope to work on family needs and the calls of friends in need or responsibilities at church veer me in a different direction. At other times it's not even that well defined. I'll begin by hoping to get a room cleaned, dishes done, or a roof repaired and I'll get sidetracked by a book, a feeling of sadness or inertia, or the desire to sleep. Oh and don't forget sickness. And all said and done, when it's over I often feel sad that I didn't do what I wanted to do instead of feeling joy at just being alive or in doing some unexpected work. I think I often feel that I need to perform, to be useful, to be worthy. And then I hear the word sof a song that say I am God's beloved and I know that means I'm loved all the time, no matter what. And still I say to myself, "But...."
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Seldom set foot in your neighbours house - too much of you and he will hate you. Prov. 25:17
This jumped out at me and made me smile. It's so true. I've experienced it in so many ways. You can see it when best friends go to college together and dorm in the same room. Often by the end of the year, they hardly talk. You can see it in a counseling session gone too long. People try to overanalyze things about themselves and end up fixing a problem that isn't there. You can see it in small groups and church events. People feel the need to be open and honest and end up sharing too much with the wrong kind of people. It kind of goes along with the saying, "Better to be quiet and thought of a fool then to open the mouth and remove all doubt." There's something to be said for silence in voice and absence in person. When you are visiting for too long or too late the temptation is there to say something simply because you can. The person is there, why not tell them what you think? What are you going to do, sit in silence? Well, yeah. Sometimes this is better. Even more advantageous is to go home before you get to the point where you say something stupid or make people upset. In Ephesians 5:4, it talks about keeping foolish talk, obsenity and coarse joking out of our vocabulary. When we are around other people too much, we often risk going down the paths of foolish talk, gossip, jokes of poor taste and the like. Maybe it's a self-esteem issue. Maybe people feel that if they are silent, they will be misunderstood. Perhaps that's true. But at least then you aren't understood to be something that's sinful because you said something improper or impure. There's even the angle that would say that staying too long at a friend's place can bring you into temptation. If your friend is not living their life the way they should, you might be tempted by long contact to start acting like them, or they like you. Too much contact can lead to excuse making instead of iron sharpening iron. You can love too much. When you love too much, you make excuses for their behaviour and therefore encourage it. Or you learn how to be quiet even when the sin is obvious and painful for all present. Visiting too much can be harmful. Visiting too little can be painful. Lord, help me to find the right balance!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
kids, kids and more kids!
Did I mention that there are four kids in my house right now? Jessyca and Vanessa are visiting for a couple of days. Between them and my two, the house is hopping! Actually, it's not too bad. They all keep each other entertained very well. Add a movie or two and they're great. I really like having them come visit. I get tired but it makes me feel like I can handle having more. Like I really could be a good mom. It also makes me realize what a good job my mom and dad are doing. The girls are so well behaved and helpful. It was not like this a year and a half ago. God is really doing a work in their lives. It's exciting to see how they are growing physically and spiritually...both in leaps and bounds. Yay God!
Yesterday I went to the church for some special prayer time. The team from Living Waters is down and I was able to meet with one of them with Margot. I've had so many concerns about this possible move/trip to Belize and Mexico and there is just so much going on in my head about friendships and family and events that I'm so confused as to where to direct my thoughts and prayers sometimes. It was nice to sit with two women and delve a little bit into things with God's direction and spotlight. A picture that came up was that of me standing in an attic full of boxes. The attic was well-lit and the boxes were being opened. I was encouraged that this was not a bad thing but that God is taking me through some things I'd had packaged away for a while. It's time. On Sunday night I also go the feeling that I was to sit and wait. Wait for what exactly, I'm not sure, but that waiting was part of what was in store for me right now. I realized that I have some fears of losing Jordan that I need to look into. (Not that my head believes that would ever happen, but somewhere there's this weird fear that needs to be removed.) Anyway, Jordan and I had a talk last night and I think that was good. Things started to come up and weren't shelved right away. It's after talks like that when I'm sure we'll be ok. (I must note, for those who might read this, that I've never felt things were horrible. I just always want things to be better...to keep growing into all they could be.) All that said, I know God's going to be doing some rearanging of my life and that's ok. Sometimes there's peace in just knowing that's what's going on. :)
Something else that's on the horizon is Sam's wedding. There's a lot coming up in me over that. Stuff I never expected. I really want to go. Finances are a problem. It's almost $800 for Jordan and I to go by plane or train.) Knowing Jadon's going to be there is a weird thing. I honestly feel ok with him being there and even with seeing him. Yet there's this feeling like I need to have Jordan with me if I go. I've had one person say they didn't think I should go, but then didn't explain why. And I want to show respect to this person, but I also want to be a friend. And then there's the need to see Sam and Viv before our family takes off for who knows where. On top of that a vague sense of hurt that Micah isn't the best man. Yet I know decisions have to be made. I'd love to cast blame and be upset, but I know things are complicated. Overall, I think there's some healing that's going to happen in my heart if I go. I didn't realize there was healing that was needed until recently. I just hope and pray God directs me in this area.
Well, the kids are in need of some attention and love.
Yesterday I went to the church for some special prayer time. The team from Living Waters is down and I was able to meet with one of them with Margot. I've had so many concerns about this possible move/trip to Belize and Mexico and there is just so much going on in my head about friendships and family and events that I'm so confused as to where to direct my thoughts and prayers sometimes. It was nice to sit with two women and delve a little bit into things with God's direction and spotlight. A picture that came up was that of me standing in an attic full of boxes. The attic was well-lit and the boxes were being opened. I was encouraged that this was not a bad thing but that God is taking me through some things I'd had packaged away for a while. It's time. On Sunday night I also go the feeling that I was to sit and wait. Wait for what exactly, I'm not sure, but that waiting was part of what was in store for me right now. I realized that I have some fears of losing Jordan that I need to look into. (Not that my head believes that would ever happen, but somewhere there's this weird fear that needs to be removed.) Anyway, Jordan and I had a talk last night and I think that was good. Things started to come up and weren't shelved right away. It's after talks like that when I'm sure we'll be ok. (I must note, for those who might read this, that I've never felt things were horrible. I just always want things to be better...to keep growing into all they could be.) All that said, I know God's going to be doing some rearanging of my life and that's ok. Sometimes there's peace in just knowing that's what's going on. :)
Something else that's on the horizon is Sam's wedding. There's a lot coming up in me over that. Stuff I never expected. I really want to go. Finances are a problem. It's almost $800 for Jordan and I to go by plane or train.) Knowing Jadon's going to be there is a weird thing. I honestly feel ok with him being there and even with seeing him. Yet there's this feeling like I need to have Jordan with me if I go. I've had one person say they didn't think I should go, but then didn't explain why. And I want to show respect to this person, but I also want to be a friend. And then there's the need to see Sam and Viv before our family takes off for who knows where. On top of that a vague sense of hurt that Micah isn't the best man. Yet I know decisions have to be made. I'd love to cast blame and be upset, but I know things are complicated. Overall, I think there's some healing that's going to happen in my heart if I go. I didn't realize there was healing that was needed until recently. I just hope and pray God directs me in this area.
Well, the kids are in need of some attention and love.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Chicken pox
So Benjamin's got spots all over his back. He had his three vaccinations about a week and a half ago and it looks like the shot for Chickenpox is taking effect. I was wondering if it would because he was rubbing his ears alot and then yesterday he had a mild fever a couple of times. Well, after throwing up all over the floor in his shared room after a temper tantrum this evening, we put him in the tub and noticed a whole bunch of spots all over his back. So I get to call the doctor tomorrow morning. Yay! :S Hint, don't feed your child tomato and cheese and peas if you want to see it later all over the floor. Yuck! Yuck! and more Yuck! The smell is really bad this time. He must be sick.
On a more pleasant note...we took Danya and Benjamin to the playground this evening. Danya is very excited about the pole. It's quite funny to watch. She has to be lifted up on the platform because it's so high. Then she crawls cautiously to the middle of the floorspace and stands up. Finally, she makes her way to the edge where she waits for you to help her slide down the pole. Now, this pole is actually about half her length away from her and as she leans over you pretty much have to catch her to make sure she doesn't fall. Then you have to continually remind her to actually hold on to the pole with her hands and legs. (Which was hard to do tonight because it was so chilly outside.) Finally, she "slides" down the pole. Essentially, you as the parent have to let go without letting her know you're holding on. It's quite a feat! Oh, and did I mention that I cannot actually assist in this process. I'm too short and the platform is too tall. Yay for Jordan!
On a more pleasant note...we took Danya and Benjamin to the playground this evening. Danya is very excited about the pole. It's quite funny to watch. She has to be lifted up on the platform because it's so high. Then she crawls cautiously to the middle of the floorspace and stands up. Finally, she makes her way to the edge where she waits for you to help her slide down the pole. Now, this pole is actually about half her length away from her and as she leans over you pretty much have to catch her to make sure she doesn't fall. Then you have to continually remind her to actually hold on to the pole with her hands and legs. (Which was hard to do tonight because it was so chilly outside.) Finally, she "slides" down the pole. Essentially, you as the parent have to let go without letting her know you're holding on. It's quite a feat! Oh, and did I mention that I cannot actually assist in this process. I'm too short and the platform is too tall. Yay for Jordan!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Having confidence.
Last night I had an Avon House Party at my house. Well, that's what it was advertised as. Two people showed up. One by taxi, one was my next door neighbour. I put on my best face and tried to act real well. Even now, I feel like I have to lie. I'm so disappointed. In people who didn't come, in my church-for saying they care about stuff but then not coming to something that could help fix it, in myself for not calling more to confirm attendance, in God...I really thought He was telling me it was going to be fine. But looking back, He just said that I should trust Him and He would bless me. He also said to ask of Him and He would give. Oh, I wish I knew what to ask for, what to believe in, what to dream for. I asked for the party to go well, for money to be raised and even for people to join my Avon team. I tried having confidence. I felt as if I was the guy who ask Jesus to increase His faith. It feels like I need to be really careful to pick the right dream so that I can be happy. That sounds kind of twisted in a way. If I prayed for the wrong things, how am I to know what's right to pray for. It didn't seem like these were wrong things to pray about. I'm confused. Lord, I know You're working things out. I just wish You and I understood some of the same things.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
A book about a bird...
Sometimes the best way to keep the kids happy and myself sane is to ask them to do little tasks. Just now, in order to be able to sit for a few minutes without distractions, I've asked Danya to go find me a book about a bird. Like I was hoping, it's actually taking her a while to find it. "Whoo hoo." "There's no bird on there." Oh well, she's busy. And actually, if we both look closely, there is a bird in the book. "Book" is one of her new words. If you draw out the oooo sound, you've almost got it, but make sure you barely say the k sound. Now you've really got it. We just found another bird, a dove pictured above Jesus' head. And now Danya's saying "mow, mow! MOW!" She found a cat. This is turnign out to be a not-so-distracting activity. "AH HAH!!!" She just found some fish in a basket being held by a little boy. There's bread in there too. She likes that story...
I'm glad that Danya and I are both happy right now. Over the past little while I've been feeling really strained with her. We're fighting a lot. That's embarrassing to say. I've been fighting with a two year old! And I don't know how to handle it. My temper is really short and I'm often scared that Danya will remember these days. I've heard of others having these kinds of difficulties, but rarely have I heard any definite, good advice on how to deal with it. Like, what do I do when Benjamin is screaming his head off 'cause he just doesn't want to go to sleep, doesn't want to be held, doesn't want to be put down, and doesn't want anything to drink? And then add a little girl who yells, "Mom! Mom! MOM!" from the doorway just as you think the baby's settling down? And then both are crying 'cause you aren't able to pick them up at the same time? And then one of them barfs on you and the other pees on your bed? These are all things that have happened in the run of a day, or rather in the space of a few minutes at our house. My nerves have a hard time of handling it. It scares me how frustrated I can get. Sometimes only one of those things will get me upset. Maybe I just need more sleep....
Yesterday Kate told me she was scared of becoming a mom and I told her that there are definite benefits, like seeing your kids grow up, seeing them do so many things for the first time. I neglected to mention firsts like playing with their poo or throwing a tantrum in a mall after not being allowed to ride the merry-go-round a second time. I don't want to totally discourage her forever! :) I remember that I always wanted to be a wife and mom. I had no larger dreams than that that I ever committed to or followed through on. Perhaps I should take the time to dream some more, or learn to be truly content in all circumstances. I know I need to be more content, more joyful. Are these things that a person can just tell themselves to be? Somehow I'm not sure of that....
I'm glad that Danya and I are both happy right now. Over the past little while I've been feeling really strained with her. We're fighting a lot. That's embarrassing to say. I've been fighting with a two year old! And I don't know how to handle it. My temper is really short and I'm often scared that Danya will remember these days. I've heard of others having these kinds of difficulties, but rarely have I heard any definite, good advice on how to deal with it. Like, what do I do when Benjamin is screaming his head off 'cause he just doesn't want to go to sleep, doesn't want to be held, doesn't want to be put down, and doesn't want anything to drink? And then add a little girl who yells, "Mom! Mom! MOM!" from the doorway just as you think the baby's settling down? And then both are crying 'cause you aren't able to pick them up at the same time? And then one of them barfs on you and the other pees on your bed? These are all things that have happened in the run of a day, or rather in the space of a few minutes at our house. My nerves have a hard time of handling it. It scares me how frustrated I can get. Sometimes only one of those things will get me upset. Maybe I just need more sleep....
Yesterday Kate told me she was scared of becoming a mom and I told her that there are definite benefits, like seeing your kids grow up, seeing them do so many things for the first time. I neglected to mention firsts like playing with their poo or throwing a tantrum in a mall after not being allowed to ride the merry-go-round a second time. I don't want to totally discourage her forever! :) I remember that I always wanted to be a wife and mom. I had no larger dreams than that that I ever committed to or followed through on. Perhaps I should take the time to dream some more, or learn to be truly content in all circumstances. I know I need to be more content, more joyful. Are these things that a person can just tell themselves to be? Somehow I'm not sure of that....
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Passports
Today I sat in the passport office and felt myself grow feathers. I became a chicken. I try to bring Avon books with me when I go places, especially when I know I'll have some time on my hands to wait around. What else is a person to do in the passport office? Well, I found lots of things to do. I talked with people behind me. I laughed out loud at some of the questions people asked of man at the registration desk. I hummed and hawed. But I didn't get rid of one of my books. In fact, I'm sure that if you looked closely, you'd still see some residual feathers hanging on. I get so shy. And why? Because someone might say no to me? It's silly. I know it stems from fear, but sometimes I just can't conquer it. Oi!
I finally made it to the wicket to have Danya and Benjamin's passports processed. The lady was really nice. At least when I feel chicken others don't seem to see the beak and claws.) I've really noticed lately that people are a lot nicer than they're often portrayed to be. So many people have complained about getting their passport obtaining experience. Lines too long, staff too snippy, a smell in the air...you get the picture. But it really wasn't bad. I actually had fun...aside from the clucking which I'm hoping I was the only one to hear. God is teaching me about not judging a situation, people, or places before I experience them. And actually, I'm learning not to judge even if I am experiencing them. I'll never have the whole picture, so why can I think that I can know why a person acts or reacts a particular way? Hmmm...maybe this is a lesson for me regarding Belize too. Hmmmmmmmmm.....
I finally made it to the wicket to have Danya and Benjamin's passports processed. The lady was really nice. At least when I feel chicken others don't seem to see the beak and claws.) I've really noticed lately that people are a lot nicer than they're often portrayed to be. So many people have complained about getting their passport obtaining experience. Lines too long, staff too snippy, a smell in the air...you get the picture. But it really wasn't bad. I actually had fun...aside from the clucking which I'm hoping I was the only one to hear. God is teaching me about not judging a situation, people, or places before I experience them. And actually, I'm learning not to judge even if I am experiencing them. I'll never have the whole picture, so why can I think that I can know why a person acts or reacts a particular way? Hmmm...maybe this is a lesson for me regarding Belize too. Hmmmmmmmmm.....
Friday, March 30, 2007
Accomplished...
It seems that a lot of life is measured by what a person has accomplished. Has a book been written? How many children are there? What kind of an income is brought home? Well, in my life it seems to be a little different. How many cupcakes did I make today that actually got icing on them? How many noses have been wiped or diapers changed? How long did it take to get Danya down for a nap? How long has Benjamin been sleeping? How many peas can I pick from between the cushions of the couch? How long do I have before I absolutely must mop the floors before company comes by? What's the number of bottles that have been washed? How many baskets of clothes have been put away this week? When was the last time I had a nice long bath? Scratch that...when was the last time I've been able to have a shower? If I can accomplish even some of these things in the run of a day, I feel accomplished. Wouldn't you?
But then, why do I need to feel that I've accomplished something anyway? Shouldn't I just be happy to be? Some theologians would say that we should just be happy to be in the Father's arms, to enjoy His presence. At times, I would give my right arm to experience that kind of existence. Other theologians would say that one must be sure to do many good works, so that their faith is not useless. Oh, that I could have the time to do something beyond keeping my kids and my husband well fed, warm and dry. (Notice I don't have clean mentioned there... That's something else entirely!) How is it that a woman of God with a family can stay in tune with God and have a heart with the world? There's just soooo much competing for the few minutes I have to myself each day. It does me very little to tell me to get up earlier so that I might spend some quiet time alone with God. I'm already getting so little sleep.
I don't say all this to complain. Just to get it out there. I really wish someone else had the time to write a book that covered these questions. Actually, I'd probably never get the time to read it, so it'd be nice if they could put it on CD for me...then I could listen to it while I do dishes or something. :) Ah well, that's the life I chose and I don't regret it. I actually really enjoy the feeling that I am good at looking after my family. Like when we were all sick and I could look around and know that my house was a mess but my kids were going to be ok. That's a good feeling. Makes the tiring days worthwhile.
But then, why do I need to feel that I've accomplished something anyway? Shouldn't I just be happy to be? Some theologians would say that we should just be happy to be in the Father's arms, to enjoy His presence. At times, I would give my right arm to experience that kind of existence. Other theologians would say that one must be sure to do many good works, so that their faith is not useless. Oh, that I could have the time to do something beyond keeping my kids and my husband well fed, warm and dry. (Notice I don't have clean mentioned there... That's something else entirely!) How is it that a woman of God with a family can stay in tune with God and have a heart with the world? There's just soooo much competing for the few minutes I have to myself each day. It does me very little to tell me to get up earlier so that I might spend some quiet time alone with God. I'm already getting so little sleep.
I don't say all this to complain. Just to get it out there. I really wish someone else had the time to write a book that covered these questions. Actually, I'd probably never get the time to read it, so it'd be nice if they could put it on CD for me...then I could listen to it while I do dishes or something. :) Ah well, that's the life I chose and I don't regret it. I actually really enjoy the feeling that I am good at looking after my family. Like when we were all sick and I could look around and know that my house was a mess but my kids were going to be ok. That's a good feeling. Makes the tiring days worthwhile.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Consumer Panels
I just got a survey in the mail today from the Consumer Panel of Canada. They would like me to keep a diary for them of my spending habits. I wonder if I'll be able to do that. I think it would really help in my budgeting. Perhaps I'll give it a try...'cause I've always been good at keeping diaries...Blah....
There's something about completing surveys. In a way I feel good for contributing but in another way it seems that I'm just adding to the plethora of useless information out there. Now, I know the info can be used to help in targeting sales and helping the country to fix problems, but how much good can a person's opinion really do? We always tell our children that if they can dream it, they can do it. Is this true? Do our good intentions really make a difference? I think it all depends on God. If He wants it to work, it will. If not, it won't.
There's something about completing surveys. In a way I feel good for contributing but in another way it seems that I'm just adding to the plethora of useless information out there. Now, I know the info can be used to help in targeting sales and helping the country to fix problems, but how much good can a person's opinion really do? We always tell our children that if they can dream it, they can do it. Is this true? Do our good intentions really make a difference? I think it all depends on God. If He wants it to work, it will. If not, it won't.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Belize or Bust?
Jordan was contacted by the medical school in Belize a couple of days ago. It's really a weird state that I'm in right now. I don't feel scared. I don't feel like we shouldn't go. I just don't know what my steps should be right now. There's so much to consider and so many plans to decide upon. Do we go to Belize this fall? Should we go in May? Yikes! That just opens up so many more questions. I had always assumed that we would go together, but now that seems like something I'm holding on to but doesn't necessarily have to be. What if I stayed behind with the kids? But would I be doing that out of fear? Really. I don't trust my own decision making anymore. Does my insisting on going make things way more difficult and am I doing that out of fear? I wish we had time to really talk about this but we don't because of his course right now. Speaking of which...why the course when Belize doesn't need it? Heck, Belize doesn't seem to need much. Is that a bad sign? I have all these questions. I also have this weird peace. I know things will work out somehow. I honestly don't know how or even in what direction we should be turning right now. Should I be waiting for a more clear sign or am I blind to what is already there? Should we even go overseas? My mom is definitely wishing we didn't have to go so far away. I feel bad for her. She seems so overwhelmed right now. So tired. How do I help from far away? It'll be hard to even phone her. But that's the way of growing up too, right? You move away? Mom and Dad move on to better things? Ok, but no matter what, unless we get into Dalhousie University, we'll be moving so we need to get the hosue ready, and that's what has me writing this in the first place. I don't know where to begin with anything! It's a big circle.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Giggles to sobs and back again.
My son has always been a smiley baby. He grins at anyone and everything. Except when he's cross, of course. Which can happen at the drop of a...well, I don't know what it is that drops. All of a sudden, in the middle of a giggle, he can cry. And then on a day when you think he's going to be inconsolable, he can switch to a laugh and that's the end of it. Sometimes I wish I was just like him...able to turn around my emotions. Then I realize he has no apparent control of them.
But aren't we all a little fickle that way? I've heard it happen in politics. Candidates change their stance on a topic in a matter of days or countries alter their position on who they'll support during a war. I've noticed it in church too. We'll talk about honesty and then we'll gossip. We'll get all hot under the collar about adultry and fornication but then we'll allow ourselves to wear provacative clothing and claim it's the other person's fault for not keeping their mind on things above.
And I've noticed it in my own life. I desire to have a spotlessly clean house, yet would rather check my email than wash another dish or I will deliberately stop doing housework because I don't want to be defined by it. I want to get closer to God, but I won't take the time to read about Him or even talk to Him while I'm doing laundry. And I can change my mind in an instant about a position I want to hold in an argument with my husband. Sometimes I wonder what people must think of me. Am I fickle? Do I even make sense to the people I talk with and interact with every day - like my children? I think sometimes I am...and I don't really know how to change it. And yet, being fickle seems to imply some sort of whimsy in the decision making part of life. I am honestly a person who thinks too hard and too long about things. Can a thinker be fickle? I don't know.
This leads me to think I should talk to God about it some more. I know He can help me figure out my life. I also know that I don't need to understand all of it to know He's in charge. That's a hard balance for me enjoy. Relaxation in the middle of seeming chaos. Peace in the middle of change. Not knowing when all I really want to do is know how it'll all work out. It'd be easy to say "I'm glad God has it all figured out." I am glad. I just wish I knew some of what He's noticed.
But aren't we all a little fickle that way? I've heard it happen in politics. Candidates change their stance on a topic in a matter of days or countries alter their position on who they'll support during a war. I've noticed it in church too. We'll talk about honesty and then we'll gossip. We'll get all hot under the collar about adultry and fornication but then we'll allow ourselves to wear provacative clothing and claim it's the other person's fault for not keeping their mind on things above.
And I've noticed it in my own life. I desire to have a spotlessly clean house, yet would rather check my email than wash another dish or I will deliberately stop doing housework because I don't want to be defined by it. I want to get closer to God, but I won't take the time to read about Him or even talk to Him while I'm doing laundry. And I can change my mind in an instant about a position I want to hold in an argument with my husband. Sometimes I wonder what people must think of me. Am I fickle? Do I even make sense to the people I talk with and interact with every day - like my children? I think sometimes I am...and I don't really know how to change it. And yet, being fickle seems to imply some sort of whimsy in the decision making part of life. I am honestly a person who thinks too hard and too long about things. Can a thinker be fickle? I don't know.
This leads me to think I should talk to God about it some more. I know He can help me figure out my life. I also know that I don't need to understand all of it to know He's in charge. That's a hard balance for me enjoy. Relaxation in the middle of seeming chaos. Peace in the middle of change. Not knowing when all I really want to do is know how it'll all work out. It'd be easy to say "I'm glad God has it all figured out." I am glad. I just wish I knew some of what He's noticed.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Inspired by Coutry
Phil Vasser wrote a song called Just Another Day in Paradise. It's about life as a parent and as a spouse. My life is full of ups and downs, spills and frills. It's a life of sleepless nights and days with the kids running around coloring the windows and eating the crayons or playing the piano with chocolate pudding fingers. It's a life of moments that you want to remember forever but you worry you won't because you recently forgot to eat or go to the bathroom. It's a life of stolen kisses from your hubby as you lay in bed trying to keep the kids asleep as he gets up for work at 5:30. It's a life of sticky hands reaching for you for one more hug before naptime and pearly whites grinning back at you as you say "No" one more time to the baby eating cat food. It's a life that I don't ever want to trade in for anything, not even more sleep. It truly is a dream come true. Now, if I could only dream a little more.....
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