Giggles to sobs and back again.

My son has always been a smiley baby. He grins at anyone and everything. Except when he's cross, of course. Which can happen at the drop of a...well, I don't know what it is that drops. All of a sudden, in the middle of a giggle, he can cry. And then on a day when you think he's going to be inconsolable, he can switch to a laugh and that's the end of it. Sometimes I wish I was just like him...able to turn around my emotions. Then I realize he has no apparent control of them.

But aren't we all a little fickle that way? I've heard it happen in politics. Candidates change their stance on a topic in a matter of days or countries alter their position on who they'll support during a war. I've noticed it in church too. We'll talk about honesty and then we'll gossip. We'll get all hot under the collar about adultry and fornication but then we'll allow ourselves to wear provacative clothing and claim it's the other person's fault for not keeping their mind on things above.

And I've noticed it in my own life. I desire to have a spotlessly clean house, yet would rather check my email than wash another dish or I will deliberately stop doing housework because I don't want to be defined by it. I want to get closer to God, but I won't take the time to read about Him or even talk to Him while I'm doing laundry. And I can change my mind in an instant about a position I want to hold in an argument with my husband. Sometimes I wonder what people must think of me. Am I fickle? Do I even make sense to the people I talk with and interact with every day - like my children? I think sometimes I am...and I don't really know how to change it. And yet, being fickle seems to imply some sort of whimsy in the decision making part of life. I am honestly a person who thinks too hard and too long about things. Can a thinker be fickle? I don't know.

This leads me to think I should talk to God about it some more. I know He can help me figure out my life. I also know that I don't need to understand all of it to know He's in charge. That's a hard balance for me enjoy. Relaxation in the middle of seeming chaos. Peace in the middle of change. Not knowing when all I really want to do is know how it'll all work out. It'd be easy to say "I'm glad God has it all figured out." I am glad. I just wish I knew some of what He's noticed.